long time a comin'

hello world. Sorry I haven't been on the daily blog train. Life has caught up once again.
In other news....
I was out of seroquel for a week because of a huge mistake on the doctors office fault. I was so manic it wasn't even funny. One  minute I would be laughing and the next I would be crying my eyes out, pleading to stop feeling what I was feeling. Joe was a trooper through it all, he made sure I was well taken care of. Zane had to go to grammy's, but I would rather him not know about my disease until he can understand it.

The business has been going well. I have had busy weeks.... I have been doing a lot of color. I know people may think that I should go back and get my degree like everyone else so I can have a back up plan but truth is.... I don't want one. I don't want to spend the money on it, I don't want to do homework or go to class and frankly.... degrees are a dime a dozen. Everyone is getting their college degree and the real jobs are wanting a masters degree and two years experience. I would rather build my clientele, make money, fix myself by massages and chiropractors and retire, maybe teach to younger ones wanting to have a career and life, just like mine.

If you haven't already, go you tube zombie love song. It is HILARIOUS.

Dallas this weekend. I am styling Danielle's hair and doing some cuts and seeing some old friends.

march 26th? My birthday party. Were going to go out to eat and go back to Ray's house. I am so excited, NO STANDING ME UP AND ALONE ON MY BIRTHDAY. KTHANKS.

<3

^-^

xo. Shelise

The virus of nice

Thank you so much for your views and comments. I really feel like I am getting it out there, ya know?

That being said,

HI, MY NAME IS SHELISE AND I AM A SELF LOATHING, MASOCHISTIC, PEOPLE PLEASER.

** hi Shelise***

Today at work, I was in trouble. I have no backbone, so of course I start crying and apologizing. I have been put on probation for three months. I screwed up, pretty bad. i take ownership. Would I like my salon to have the lights left on and the radio playing all night because one of my stylists left it all on? no. The door was locked and the alarm set but I left everything else on. So, it makes sense that I am on probation.

Here is the thing.... I was with people. So not only did I forget, but the others as well. I took full responsibility as the key holder. This all makes sense.

The other startling thing, is that I attract negativity. I get into this rut and self sabotage and wallow. If there is a confrontation, I bend over and take it. I apologize. I am always the one at fault even if I am not the one at fault. This is disheartening because I see myself doing this self destruction dance and I think to myself, "SNAP out of IT! What is wrong with you?!" but I don't. I self loathe and turn into a nice rustic doormat with daisies on it that says, "BLAME ME!!! I CAN BE AN EXCELLENT SCAPEGOAT!!!"

No more.


From now on, I am taking hold of my power and standing up for myself. My dictionary NEVER had the words, NO, STOP TREATING ME LIKE THIS, ITS NOT FAIR. They now have these words.

most importantly, I am teaching my wonderful son this same self destruct tango. I want him to be a confident, amazing man. How can I teach him this, if I am not positive or assertive myself?

Leave it to Estrella to kick my ass into shape and do some major self examination.

I have also noticed that in the entirety of my four years of being a hairstylist and six years of fidelity and two years of being a mother and a fellow monkey, I have never had an issue with anyone. Of course, others have had issues with me and its really not that I haven't had issues, but I sweep them under my nice girl rug and wait for them to go away. Its getting pretty bad under there.

I had my first confrontation today. I think its the first time I have stood up for myself. I won't indulge the details but needless to say, I have been meaning to have a conversation with this said person for a VERY long time. And now, it is in his court what he does with my words. But baby, I am building a backbone. It doesnt mean I need to be a bitch about everything but in the 27 years of my existence, I have always been the recipient and never the bearer of issues. It felt good to be honest.

I am always so scared to put myself out there because ultimately, I am afraid of getting hurt. I am afraid of getting fired, losing a friend, or having someone mad at me. I have not respected myself enough to stand up and speak my mind.

This is going to change.


For sailors, a change in the wind is an opportunity to explore. This is my change of wind and I like it.

being a mother......

This Blog is not for the closed mind. 

With that being said. ... . Sometimes, I just really resent my responsibilities as Zane's mother. I feel bad in the first place that Zane, in all his cuteness and cuddly tendencies, has a mother who sometimes just wants to be alone. It breaks my heart when he whines to be by his mama and all I want to do is scream. Its not his fault.... then again, its not mine either. I wish I could be like those girls who wanted to be a mother since they were like 2 and got married and preggo as soon as they could. I, however, never wanted kids. I couldn't understand why someone wanted a squalling, drooling, screaming lump of skin. I never even babysat as a teen. I wanted a glamorous life. I wanted to live in Denver, CO and become a famous hairstylist or photographer and be single and live and love my life. 

Before I was diagnosed, I met Joe. I love him so we got married, both wanting the same things. Then we got pregnant. 

This is not to say that I resent Zane or I would have changed anything if I went back. I love my life. I almost loathe myself for having these fleeting feelings of drowning or choking. But being a mother and a wife is a fuulllll time job and I willingly signed up for it. I just wish sometimes it was just me in my life. I believe all  stay at home moms or wives or both feel this way at some point, but its so taboo to say it out loud. Sometimes, I wish I had the whole week to just sleep in, do what I want to do, overwork myself at the salon and spend time with friends. Looking back, I can tell how I was so threatened by the idea of being lonely that I made little exceptions. This is pre-Joe by the way. I just should have spend more time being independent than looking for my next hook up. 

This all being said, I love my life. I know this is an emotionally fueled blog post, but so what? If you live a life where all your struggles are silent, than we are missing out on perfect opportunities to be vulnerable and learn from each other. This is one of my most candid posts. This is who I am. Zane is a trigger for my mania. Joe can also be at times. This does not mean I do not want my life to be full of toys that I step on, tribal yelling and dance parties with my 2 year old, or silently making love so that the baby doesn't hear us and wake up. He is coming to an age full of tantrums, crying and testing the waters. We are also close to the age where we discover our words, swimming in the summer, and appreciating those last little moments of cuddles and whispers, "i love you, mama", 

I may be a bipolar mother, but my bipolar does NOT own me. And if Zane turns out bipolar, my only hope is that he learns from me that he can take charge, learn when to say no, find his triggers and learn how to cope. 

Thats all for today. x.o.

over a week

Hey guys! Sorry its been a while.....

My mania kicked in about a week ago. I went on a little spending spree in Kansas when I was there for my guy friends wedding. Big D got married! But I had to take care of Zane most the weekend so I was overwhelmed. You can always know when I am about to be manic because I take it out on my hair. I turned purple :)

My business is doing good because I called and texted everyone. :) Sorry to bug you but January is my slowest month so I tend to over do it in the marketing department. I gotta feed my baby!

I am actually a little manic writing this. My brain is everywhere. Its hard to concentrate. I made a new friend at work, her name is Carissa. its eerie how alike we are. We decided we are soul sisters.... :) but I think this might be a trigger for me. I have to keep reminding myself that things will happen as they happen. I am worthy to be pursued for friendship so I will not become someone else just to have a friend. She is rad though. I think she balances me out.

well, nothing much is up so I will conclude with a blue october quote:

"I dare not bother asking why the mirrors cracked and all I see are shards of glass in side of me. There are voices here to dare me.... "
The lead singer of blue october is bipolar too. No wonder I love them so much.