being a mother......

This Blog is not for the closed mind. 

With that being said. ... . Sometimes, I just really resent my responsibilities as Zane's mother. I feel bad in the first place that Zane, in all his cuteness and cuddly tendencies, has a mother who sometimes just wants to be alone. It breaks my heart when he whines to be by his mama and all I want to do is scream. Its not his fault.... then again, its not mine either. I wish I could be like those girls who wanted to be a mother since they were like 2 and got married and preggo as soon as they could. I, however, never wanted kids. I couldn't understand why someone wanted a squalling, drooling, screaming lump of skin. I never even babysat as a teen. I wanted a glamorous life. I wanted to live in Denver, CO and become a famous hairstylist or photographer and be single and live and love my life. 

Before I was diagnosed, I met Joe. I love him so we got married, both wanting the same things. Then we got pregnant. 

This is not to say that I resent Zane or I would have changed anything if I went back. I love my life. I almost loathe myself for having these fleeting feelings of drowning or choking. But being a mother and a wife is a fuulllll time job and I willingly signed up for it. I just wish sometimes it was just me in my life. I believe all  stay at home moms or wives or both feel this way at some point, but its so taboo to say it out loud. Sometimes, I wish I had the whole week to just sleep in, do what I want to do, overwork myself at the salon and spend time with friends. Looking back, I can tell how I was so threatened by the idea of being lonely that I made little exceptions. This is pre-Joe by the way. I just should have spend more time being independent than looking for my next hook up. 

This all being said, I love my life. I know this is an emotionally fueled blog post, but so what? If you live a life where all your struggles are silent, than we are missing out on perfect opportunities to be vulnerable and learn from each other. This is one of my most candid posts. This is who I am. Zane is a trigger for my mania. Joe can also be at times. This does not mean I do not want my life to be full of toys that I step on, tribal yelling and dance parties with my 2 year old, or silently making love so that the baby doesn't hear us and wake up. He is coming to an age full of tantrums, crying and testing the waters. We are also close to the age where we discover our words, swimming in the summer, and appreciating those last little moments of cuddles and whispers, "i love you, mama", 

I may be a bipolar mother, but my bipolar does NOT own me. And if Zane turns out bipolar, my only hope is that he learns from me that he can take charge, learn when to say no, find his triggers and learn how to cope. 

Thats all for today. x.o.